"Tell me where is fancy bred? In the heart, or in the head?"
- William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice
At times like this, I look back a long way - all of it in fact - and I realize that I have a long way to go.
I look at a little black-haired, pale baby boy hooked up to tubes. I see his parents praying to God to save this infant son. They ask more to pray. The numbers build. God hears them, and the boy is saved.
Time passes. I see the boy, now with reddish-brown hair, making swords out of wooden fence posts and duct tape. With those swords, he conquers every land he enters, whether they be his own sheltered neighborhood, or the wilds behind his Nana's house. Fields of thick weeds become armies of goblins. They all fall beneath his imagined blade. Here, he is a fierce prince.
Time passes. The boy grows to the age where hair on males becomes more abundant than we'd like. One day, he sees a certain girl in a bikini. A friend. Only now, after only months, she's different. He talks to her, and starts feeling a whole mad carnival of new and frightening things. He becomes a young man.
With these new feelings, a firm belief is forged in the young man's mind; the belief that one day he will find The One; the perfect woman for him.
Years later, the young man finds love, and then finds, many years later, that love does not always endure. However, he is introduced to a new love that overshadows anything he has ever felt; the love of his children. He now understands the parents who prayed so fervently for his continued life. The young man becomes a man. After the end of this long relationship, the internal knowledge of finding his heart's one true love becomes a holy grail quest.
Time passes, and more relationships fail or never truly start. The man is very specific in what he is looking for. He never regrets this, as he is not alone, and he knows that when he meets Her, he will know.
More time passes. She doesn't come. After many trials and many attempts with a heart that was zealous, exuberant and impetuous, one day he finds that his heart has grown very tired indeed. At times like this, the heart becomes as a vacation home; the doors locked, the blinds closed. To all appearances, dead to the outsider.
My heart is currently in this condition. I fear that I have badly misused it, and I'm sure other hearts as well, in my past; a fact that I greatly regret. But I cannot fix other hearts, only my own. So for now, it is locked away as deeply as it needs to be, and my days of leaping to action to woo ladies who take my fancy are quite irreversibly dead. I'm afraid that I'm finally done with a game that I never really began to comprehend.
My current plan, then, is to stop grasping at straws and jumping at gestures. To conduct myself with a semblance of dignity and just allow the chips to fall. To protect my heart, and the heart of that boy, as I should have for years. To crow and howl with the other lost boys forever.
Do I still believe in my true love? Absolutely. I just wish she'd hurry the hell up.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Five Years
For five years I toiled in the mine.
I cursed the mine, and I blessed the mine.
After five years, a glimmer of gold caught my eye
and I knew that gold was never what I sought.
For five years I sailed on the seas.
I cursed the storms, and I blessed the winds.
After five years, I saw the shore again
and I knew that the sea was never what I sought.
For five years I chased a dream.
A dream in the form of garters, hose, lace and bows.
After five years, she broke my heart by never appearing
and I knew that she was never what I sought.
For five years I ran from myself.
I cursed myself even as I prayed for blessings.
After five years, I stared at the mirror
and I knew that self respect was what I sought.
- Shane McElveen, 2010
I cursed the mine, and I blessed the mine.
After five years, a glimmer of gold caught my eye
and I knew that gold was never what I sought.
For five years I sailed on the seas.
I cursed the storms, and I blessed the winds.
After five years, I saw the shore again
and I knew that the sea was never what I sought.
For five years I chased a dream.
A dream in the form of garters, hose, lace and bows.
After five years, she broke my heart by never appearing
and I knew that she was never what I sought.
For five years I ran from myself.
I cursed myself even as I prayed for blessings.
After five years, I stared at the mirror
and I knew that self respect was what I sought.
- Shane McElveen, 2010
A Relevant Quote
"I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it." - Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Can I Possibly Be More Va8ue?
It's been an interesting ride; the last few years, I mean. Some days I don't feel like I'm behind the wheel at all, but maybe lying in the back seat staring at an old cigarette burn in the seat, or a place where the seam has given way, and I'm staring at the padding. Or maybe I'm just sticking my head out of the open window like a dog.
You see, if life is a journey, then I'll agree with the song that, for me, it's a highway. It has been, I think, ever since I graduated college and started paying attention to exactly how quickly the days pass by...like flashing cars.
And if my life is, in fact, a highway, then I see myself driving an old black classic car. Maybe an Impala, but not necessarily. Something long and boat-like, with four doors and endless room. And one huge front seat that you can snuggle up to a lady across. Not anything made after I was born, certainly.
So the last few years, I've found myself driving through this desert. I'd say with all fairness that I turned onto this particular road in 2005 or so, after a huge life change, leaving a road I'd been on for about ten years. There were a few pit stops, both professional and romantic, where I thought maybe I'd found a place to settle down. They turned out to be temporary, and unsatisfying. So I drive.
I've been driving this desert a long time. And though the desert is a mystical place with many important revelations, I'm tired of this particular stretch of road.
I need some new scenery.
You see, if life is a journey, then I'll agree with the song that, for me, it's a highway. It has been, I think, ever since I graduated college and started paying attention to exactly how quickly the days pass by...like flashing cars.
And if my life is, in fact, a highway, then I see myself driving an old black classic car. Maybe an Impala, but not necessarily. Something long and boat-like, with four doors and endless room. And one huge front seat that you can snuggle up to a lady across. Not anything made after I was born, certainly.
So the last few years, I've found myself driving through this desert. I'd say with all fairness that I turned onto this particular road in 2005 or so, after a huge life change, leaving a road I'd been on for about ten years. There were a few pit stops, both professional and romantic, where I thought maybe I'd found a place to settle down. They turned out to be temporary, and unsatisfying. So I drive.
I've been driving this desert a long time. And though the desert is a mystical place with many important revelations, I'm tired of this particular stretch of road.
I need some new scenery.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Top 10 figures I would prefer that people not pray to on my behalf:
1. Satan/Lucifer
2. Baron Samedi
3. Marilyn Manson
4. Any angel from Supernatural
5. The Dark Side of The Force6. Anyone from a reality show
7. Their demi god powered paladin/rogue/cleric/night club owner character from Dungeons and Dragons
8. Barney
9. Zeus, as he comes off as a philandering douche
10. That pissed off looking guy from God of War
1. Satan/Lucifer
2. Baron Samedi
3. Marilyn Manson
4. Any angel from Supernatural
5. The Dark Side of The Force6. Anyone from a reality show
7. Their demi god powered paladin/rogue/cleric/night club owner character from Dungeons and Dragons
8. Barney
9. Zeus, as he comes off as a philandering douche
10. That pissed off looking guy from God of War
I was born the son of a Southern Baptist minister and a public school teacher in a little town called Scranton, SC. When I was a baby, my Dad had just decided to become a man of the cloth. I was a really sick baby, born with a hole in my heart. My parents prayed that I would live. They pretty much started a small crusade of prayer to the heavens that I would make it. So I did.
They say I died for a full minute on that operating table. I'm not sure about that, but I know ever since then I've known that there is a purpose to my life. That I'm here to do things that matter.
Unfortunately, for a really long time (before and after my divorce) I let myself stagnate. I doubted myself, even the talents that I knew I had. I'm done with that now.
A little over a year ago, the company that I was working for was forced to let me go. I had just finished reading a book by Paulo Coelho entitled "The Alchemist." I was unemployed for the better part of a year, but I trusted that I would be taken care of. I prayed, hoped and waited for more to be revealed to me.
Unfortunately, I was still missing something, b/c of all the ideas I had roiling around in this creative brain of mine, I wasn't doing anything about them. I let myself get so overwhelmed by all the projects I had started that I wasn't able to finish any of them. This has been my problem for years.
At the end of December, I was blessed with a contracting job at the same company that laid me off before. This job will likely end in a few weeks, as it was meant to end at the end of the first fiscal quarter of the year. Why does this not bother me?
Because about a month ago I watched "The Secret" again. A lot of you may be reading this and immediately begin "poo-pooing" the Law of Attraction (which is ultimately the secret beferred to in the movie/book.) I can understand that reaction, b/c I had that same reaction a few years ago.
It's SO easy to say, "those folks are just trying to sell self-help books" or "that won't work," and just dismiss such simple concepts. I say they are simple concepts b/c, in theory, they seem common sense. "Think positive? Have faith? Follow my personal legend? Well I already do those things!"
Do you? I thought I did, until I paid attention to how much I focused on what I didn't want as opposed to the things I did want. How much of my energy I gave to my FEARS, which were just the dark side of my FAITH.
Once I realized that the only thing holding me back was me, I had a long talk with my best friend and brother, Curt. I told him what I'd been listening to lately and realizing. I had given him a copy of The Alchemist the past year, and it had been life-changing for him as well. We started making plans and actually encouraging each other to work on ours dreams instead of sitting frustrated and waiting on a magical answer that doesn't involve our talents.
I'm not saying that God or The Universe or what have you don't deliever good things to our lives without our having to work in the traditional sense. The truth is that they do, but you have to put in the faith/belief and energy to ghelp those thigns along. and my work, my use of my talents to create, is the greatest extension and proof of my faith in my faith and in the law of attraction that I can think of.
Because I have always known I was going to make my dreams come true. It just took recent circumstances to help me develop the strength to get up off my movie-watching ass and do something about it.
Curtis and I, at this point, are halfway finished with a horror script we've been writing. The details of our adventures breaking into the movie business will be outlined in a separate blog, http://mooksinthemovies.blogspot.com/.
Until next I blog, remember to think positive and think about the things that you want, not the things that you fear. Be grateful for what you have. Later, folks.
They say I died for a full minute on that operating table. I'm not sure about that, but I know ever since then I've known that there is a purpose to my life. That I'm here to do things that matter.
Unfortunately, for a really long time (before and after my divorce) I let myself stagnate. I doubted myself, even the talents that I knew I had. I'm done with that now.
A little over a year ago, the company that I was working for was forced to let me go. I had just finished reading a book by Paulo Coelho entitled "The Alchemist." I was unemployed for the better part of a year, but I trusted that I would be taken care of. I prayed, hoped and waited for more to be revealed to me.
Unfortunately, I was still missing something, b/c of all the ideas I had roiling around in this creative brain of mine, I wasn't doing anything about them. I let myself get so overwhelmed by all the projects I had started that I wasn't able to finish any of them. This has been my problem for years.
At the end of December, I was blessed with a contracting job at the same company that laid me off before. This job will likely end in a few weeks, as it was meant to end at the end of the first fiscal quarter of the year. Why does this not bother me?
Because about a month ago I watched "The Secret" again. A lot of you may be reading this and immediately begin "poo-pooing" the Law of Attraction (which is ultimately the secret beferred to in the movie/book.) I can understand that reaction, b/c I had that same reaction a few years ago.
It's SO easy to say, "those folks are just trying to sell self-help books" or "that won't work," and just dismiss such simple concepts. I say they are simple concepts b/c, in theory, they seem common sense. "Think positive? Have faith? Follow my personal legend? Well I already do those things!"
Do you? I thought I did, until I paid attention to how much I focused on what I didn't want as opposed to the things I did want. How much of my energy I gave to my FEARS, which were just the dark side of my FAITH.
Once I realized that the only thing holding me back was me, I had a long talk with my best friend and brother, Curt. I told him what I'd been listening to lately and realizing. I had given him a copy of The Alchemist the past year, and it had been life-changing for him as well. We started making plans and actually encouraging each other to work on ours dreams instead of sitting frustrated and waiting on a magical answer that doesn't involve our talents.
I'm not saying that God or The Universe or what have you don't deliever good things to our lives without our having to work in the traditional sense. The truth is that they do, but you have to put in the faith/belief and energy to ghelp those thigns along. and my work, my use of my talents to create, is the greatest extension and proof of my faith in my faith and in the law of attraction that I can think of.
Because I have always known I was going to make my dreams come true. It just took recent circumstances to help me develop the strength to get up off my movie-watching ass and do something about it.
Curtis and I, at this point, are halfway finished with a horror script we've been writing. The details of our adventures breaking into the movie business will be outlined in a separate blog, http://mooksinthemovies.blogspot.com/.
Until next I blog, remember to think positive and think about the things that you want, not the things that you fear. Be grateful for what you have. Later, folks.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The "Happy" Governor
My friend Matt and I sometimes have some decent sparks of creativity. We've started countless projects together...actually I have that habit with most of my friends. I love starting projects, but I'm famously awful at actually finishing anything unless I think I'm getting paid for it.
So far, Matt and I have started (or brainstormed and talked about starting) a total of five novels, three movie scripts, two video games, five web sites, and one role-playing game system. I forget how many songs we've written, but on that front we manage to finish what we start. In bursts, but still. Baby steps, people.
The interesting thing about Matt is that he is tone deaf, but is able to keep a beat, play drums (well) and guitar (getting better). He was born that way. It's a huge accomplishment in itself, and quite a statement, that he's able to write and play his own music. And a great deal of what helps Matt is that he has rhythm, and he's a math/logistics/all-that-crap-that-confounds-me whiz.
Anyway, I've kissed Matt's pale Scottish arse enough for one blog. The point is that we had what we thought was a fairly shining moment of creativity last night. Mean spirited creativity? Vulgar creativity? Blatantly vulture-like creativity? I suppose that would depend upon your opinion, but it was creativity nonetheless.
I usually try not to get political, but here goes just a bit that was hard for me to contain.
Governor Mark Sanford of my home state, South Carolina - and several other governors in these United States that I love *salutes and grins* - well, let's face it, they've done some horrifyingly embarassing things of late. In my humble opinion, Sanford needs his head examined for fighting the acceptance of the stimulus funds that were recently accepted by...let me see...EVERY OTHER FRICKING STATE before SC, thanks to him. Those months of worrying whether police officers, teachers, and other public servants that I know and love would be laid off b/c Sanford wouldn't accept that money saddened and angered me as a citizen. So I admit to having been embittered.
Well, the stimulus issue passed, Sanford got himself sued for holding out too long...I have to wonder if something slowly snapped in our dear Governor over the past year or something. I mean...pigs in the Capitol building? Really? Mark? Dude? Man, our state gets picked on enough, bro! You're going to turn our most revered area of state government into a scene from Green Acres?
Then...this week's news. The Father's Day fiasco when no one could get hold of the Governor. He was apparently too busy "hiking the Appalachian Trail" to bother with his wife and kids, not to mention his publicists. Wow. Just...wow. On Nude Hiking Day or Weekend or whatever nonetheless? Did he think he owed the late night comedians something? B/c he certainly delivered when we all found out he cheated on his wife...in Argentina.
I had to take a damn double take! Argentina? Srsly? Nope...it was right there. Black and white. Or RGB rather. Whatever. Anyway, the point is that Sanford has nearly made himself into a wacky cartoon villain of late...(ok, an anime cartoon villain. Animes tend to show hoo hoo parts and what not...or...so I hear...anyway...) So when Matt said "we should write a funny song" last night, the first thought that popped into my head was how much material Sanford has given us to work with lately, and how genuinely irritated and embarassed I've personally been with his antics as a South Carolinian.
So Matt and I sat down and write a terribly biting parody to the song, "The Happy Wanderer" by Antonio Ridge and Friedrich Moller. Here are the lyrics, and the link to the video we filmed for the song (yes, we did).
The Horny Governor
by: Shane McElveen and Matt Broughton
with apologies to: Antonio Ridge and Friedrich Moller
The governor went a wandering, the Appalachian trail
and found his clothes out on the lawn for chasing foreign tail
Sanford-ee, Sanford-ah
Sanford-ee, Sanford-ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Sanford-ee, Sanford-ah
for chasing foreign tail
It was a naked weekend for the hikers everywhere
but when you lie to everyone, it could be an affair
Monogam-ee, Monogam-ah
Monogam-ee, Monogam-ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Monogam-ee, Monogam-ah
it could be an affair
He refused the stimulus funds, we thought him silly then
But then he crossed a new line with an Argentinian!
Adulter-ee, Adulter-ah
Adulter-ee, Adulter-ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Adulter-ee, Adulter-ah
an Argentinian
He may still run for president, but would he give his all?
Or would he spend his time tossing his hot dog down the hall?
Polygam-ee, Polygam-ah
Polygam-ee, Polygam-ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Polygam-ee, Polygam-ah
his hot dog down the hall...
So far, we've gotten a lot of positive feedback, and very little negative. So for those who have supported and encouraged us, thank you for your kind words and terrible taste in music. ;P For those of you who are offended...America is a free country. That's what makes it great. Feel free to comment. You have the right to be angered or sickened or horrified. Just try to remember that we also have the right to make these songs and speak our minds.
This song was never meant to be a celebration of lewd behavior or a man's fall from grace. It's a parody meant to point out a homored outrage at a series of failings. Sometimes you either laugh or cry, folks. We're not passing judgement upon the man as a whole or any person involved. It's simply a jibe against recent silly behavior. Jackassery breeds jackassery, and we happen to excel at jackassery.
If we can't make fun of each other and learn to laugh at ourselves, it's become a sad world indeed. We all fall down. It's so that we can learn to get back up, at least according to Thomas Wayne. So let's all try to take political jokes as they are intended.
So on behalf of self-proclaimed jackasses everywhere,
God bless America.
So far, Matt and I have started (or brainstormed and talked about starting) a total of five novels, three movie scripts, two video games, five web sites, and one role-playing game system. I forget how many songs we've written, but on that front we manage to finish what we start. In bursts, but still. Baby steps, people.
The interesting thing about Matt is that he is tone deaf, but is able to keep a beat, play drums (well) and guitar (getting better). He was born that way. It's a huge accomplishment in itself, and quite a statement, that he's able to write and play his own music. And a great deal of what helps Matt is that he has rhythm, and he's a math/logistics/all-that-crap-that-confounds-me whiz.
Anyway, I've kissed Matt's pale Scottish arse enough for one blog. The point is that we had what we thought was a fairly shining moment of creativity last night. Mean spirited creativity? Vulgar creativity? Blatantly vulture-like creativity? I suppose that would depend upon your opinion, but it was creativity nonetheless.
I usually try not to get political, but here goes just a bit that was hard for me to contain.
Governor Mark Sanford of my home state, South Carolina - and several other governors in these United States that I love *salutes and grins* - well, let's face it, they've done some horrifyingly embarassing things of late. In my humble opinion, Sanford needs his head examined for fighting the acceptance of the stimulus funds that were recently accepted by...let me see...EVERY OTHER FRICKING STATE before SC, thanks to him. Those months of worrying whether police officers, teachers, and other public servants that I know and love would be laid off b/c Sanford wouldn't accept that money saddened and angered me as a citizen. So I admit to having been embittered.
Well, the stimulus issue passed, Sanford got himself sued for holding out too long...I have to wonder if something slowly snapped in our dear Governor over the past year or something. I mean...pigs in the Capitol building? Really? Mark? Dude? Man, our state gets picked on enough, bro! You're going to turn our most revered area of state government into a scene from Green Acres?
Then...this week's news. The Father's Day fiasco when no one could get hold of the Governor. He was apparently too busy "hiking the Appalachian Trail" to bother with his wife and kids, not to mention his publicists. Wow. Just...wow. On Nude Hiking Day or Weekend or whatever nonetheless? Did he think he owed the late night comedians something? B/c he certainly delivered when we all found out he cheated on his wife...in Argentina.
I had to take a damn double take! Argentina? Srsly? Nope...it was right there. Black and white. Or RGB rather. Whatever. Anyway, the point is that Sanford has nearly made himself into a wacky cartoon villain of late...(ok, an anime cartoon villain. Animes tend to show hoo hoo parts and what not...or...so I hear...anyway...) So when Matt said "we should write a funny song" last night, the first thought that popped into my head was how much material Sanford has given us to work with lately, and how genuinely irritated and embarassed I've personally been with his antics as a South Carolinian.
So Matt and I sat down and write a terribly biting parody to the song, "The Happy Wanderer" by Antonio Ridge and Friedrich Moller. Here are the lyrics, and the link to the video we filmed for the song (yes, we did).
The Horny Governor
by: Shane McElveen and Matt Broughton
with apologies to: Antonio Ridge and Friedrich Moller
The governor went a wandering, the Appalachian trail
and found his clothes out on the lawn for chasing foreign tail
Sanford-ee, Sanford-ah
Sanford-ee, Sanford-ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Sanford-ee, Sanford-ah
for chasing foreign tail
It was a naked weekend for the hikers everywhere
but when you lie to everyone, it could be an affair
Monogam-ee, Monogam-ah
Monogam-ee, Monogam-ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Monogam-ee, Monogam-ah
it could be an affair
He refused the stimulus funds, we thought him silly then
But then he crossed a new line with an Argentinian!
Adulter-ee, Adulter-ah
Adulter-ee, Adulter-ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Adulter-ee, Adulter-ah
an Argentinian
He may still run for president, but would he give his all?
Or would he spend his time tossing his hot dog down the hall?
Polygam-ee, Polygam-ah
Polygam-ee, Polygam-ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Polygam-ee, Polygam-ah
his hot dog down the hall...
So far, we've gotten a lot of positive feedback, and very little negative. So for those who have supported and encouraged us, thank you for your kind words and terrible taste in music. ;P For those of you who are offended...America is a free country. That's what makes it great. Feel free to comment. You have the right to be angered or sickened or horrified. Just try to remember that we also have the right to make these songs and speak our minds.
This song was never meant to be a celebration of lewd behavior or a man's fall from grace. It's a parody meant to point out a homored outrage at a series of failings. Sometimes you either laugh or cry, folks. We're not passing judgement upon the man as a whole or any person involved. It's simply a jibe against recent silly behavior. Jackassery breeds jackassery, and we happen to excel at jackassery.
If we can't make fun of each other and learn to laugh at ourselves, it's become a sad world indeed. We all fall down. It's so that we can learn to get back up, at least according to Thomas Wayne. So let's all try to take political jokes as they are intended.
So on behalf of self-proclaimed jackasses everywhere,
God bless America.
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