Friday, October 26, 2007

Rewind to crappy job from 1999

Overheard by the Design Monkey at a past job - 1999:

Director of 1999 job: (interviewing Shane) So tell me Shane, if I looked at the back of your car, what stickers would I see there?
Shane: (nervously) Um...well...there's the one that says "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter", the one that says, "Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me", the one that says, "Hookt Awn Fonix Werked Fer Meeh"...
Director: So, Shane, I hear you're a computer guru! We have some computer issues around here that need looking into. I was thinking we could make that part of your job!
Shane: (imagining a monkey trying to make love to a coconut, and seeing how it relates to his current situation) Greeeeaaaat.

Overweight Coworker: I had some of those WOW o'lean chips last night; I stayed on the toilet all night...
Jerk Coworker: Oh yeah? Well how many bags did you eat?
Overweight Coworker: up yours, ass-holio.
Jerk Coworker: (chuckling) Tee pee! So, was it grand rapids or a little episode of the dropsy lumps?
Overweight Coworker: Dude, it was diarrhea. I really don't want to go into the consistency.
Jerk Coworker: I'll bet it had those weird nutter beans and the maizey corn chowders in it, too!
Overweight Coworker: Oh sweet lord, I just tasted bile. You need to shut the hell up. (throws stapler at jerk)
Jerk Coworker: Ow! (runs, cackling)

(Shane is sitting in enclosed cubicle taking a broken printer apart. A nearby denizen of the cube farm approaches.)
Coworker: What are you doing?
Shane: Taking apart this broken printer.
Coworker: Can you fix it?
Shane: (laughing) I sincerely doubt it. (a loose spring flies to the right of Shane's face) Huh...interesting...
Coworker: aren't you wasting your time?
Shane: Absolutely.
Coworker: Am I missing something?
Shane: (to himself, whispering) Don't answer...too easy...
Coworker: Huh?
Shane: Listen. Management told me to try to fix the printer, b/c I "couldn't mess it up worse than it already was." B/c some shmoozing good ol' boy pushed me as a "computer and graphics guru" when I showed up for an interview. So by the time I'm hired, everyone thinks I'm a fricking computer hardware expert. Well, as you can see, I am clearly not a printer technician. Which, last time I checked, sounded nothing like "Graphic Designer." But hey, it's a paycheck. (turns and continues to break printer)
Coworker: So, when were you going to get to your clients today?
Shane: When I'm done.
Coworker: Well when do...
Shane: Either take it up with the supervisor or go do your job and see how much to make out the check to the poor reflicted man whose mom is cashing those checks to play the poker machines...for. Grrrr. (turns back around)
(Coworker whistles and walks away.)

Shane: (driving down Chesterfield county backroads to clients' homes) God, please don't let me die in some sad parody of Deliverance and Slingblade rolled into one. Thank you. Amen. Mmmm hmmm. Thank I'll get me some french fried taters after'n I deliver this `ere check, mmmm hmmmm. OK, come on, God, that was funny.